THE ECONTRARIAN

A tad askew from the traditional view

Friday, December 02, 2005

THE BILL OF WRONGS

It's really not much of a stretch to imagine members of the Bush Administration planning and preparing a set of amendments to the amendments of the constitution so I wasn't too surprised when a copy of one of their drafts made its way into my possession. They're evidently calling it AMENDMENT XXVIII, and it reads as follows:

"PREAMBLE TO THE AMENDMENTS OF THE AMENDMENTS AS LAID OUT IN AMENDMENT XXVIII: The basis for these amendments is the relatively new legal concept described as "(the) President (can sure as hell) Opt (for) Omnipotent Powers," or POOP. In practice, the term POOP may also be used as a verb, as in the statement "the President POOPs," meaning, of course, that he is opting for omnipotent powers in a particular situation. The concept shall apply only to the executive branch of the government. Congress cannot POOP, although the Speaker of the House might POOP under some circumstances, but only when appearing before a joint session of congress, and the Vice President may only POOP at the pleasure of the President.

"THE FIRST AMENDMENT OF THE AMENDMENTS AS LAID OUT IN AMENDMENT XXVIII: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion. However, upon the Vice President personally delivering a presidential POOP to the Speaker of the House, Congress shall ordain that the word "God" cannot be considered to have any religious connotation, and further that any schoolhouse persons who teach creationism cannot be considered to be religiously inspired but shall be known simply as storytellers exercising their right of free speech, and finally that any persons who are intimate with others of the same sex shall be neutered and abortions shall be added to the criteria for capital punishment.

"THE SECOND AMENDMENT OF THE AMENDMENTS AS LAID OUT IN AMENDMENT XXVIII: Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech. However, when the president POOPs he may destroy the offices of a foreign news agency or newspaper and he may plant false articles in the press anytime he wishes. Domestically the president may aim his POOP at the Washington press corps so that he may withhold leaked information from unfriendly reporters. Under his right of free speech, the president may interpret intelligence information for public dissemination in any way he sees fit, and he may "out" any undercover operative that he chooses, provided that he is POOPing at such times. And any persons who are intimate with others of the same sex shall be neutered and abortions shall be added to the criteria for capital punishment.

"THE THIRD AMENDMENT OF THE AMENDMENTS AS LAID OUT IN AMENDMENT XXVIII: No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, except in a manner prescribed only by a POOPing President who may send soldiers into any house in any country of the world for any reason or for no reason at all. And any persons who are intimate with others of the same sex shall be neutered and abortions shall be added to the criteria for capital punishment.

"THE FOURTH AMENDMENT OF THE AMENDMENTS AS LAID OUT IN AMENDMENT XXVIII: In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial by an impartial jury and cruel and unusual punishment shall not be inflicted. However, the President may send any defendant he wishes to a foreign country for interrogation purposes, provided said defendant is accompanied by the President's POOP, in which case the foregoing rights will not apply. And any persons who are intimate with others of the same sex shall be neutered and abortions shall be added to the criteria for capital punishment.

"THE FIFTH AMENDMENT OF THE AMENDMENTS AS LAID OUT IN AMENDMENT XXVIII: The Congress shall have the power to lay and collect taxes on incomes. However, if the Secretary of the Treasury should appear before Congress with the President's POOP, then the Congress shall provide a major tax cut for the wealthy. Furthermore, if the President personally POOPS before the Federal Reserve Board, then that body shall be obligated to give its blessing to a program of massive deficits in lieu of raising taxes. And any persons who are intimate with others of the same sex shall be neutered and abortions shall be added to the criteria for capital punishment.

"THE SIXTH AMENDMENT OF THE AMENDMENTS AS LAID OUT IN AMENDMENT XXVIII: Under unusual circumstances, the President and Vice President may be elected by popular vote, but if the President POOPs before the Supreme Court, then that body shall meet and vote by ballot for President and Vice President and these results shall be transmitted, sealed to the President of the Senate. All certificates shall then be opened and counted only by the Vice President, while POOPing under executive order, in the presence of the Senate and House. The tabulation shall be performed using a machine manufactured by Diebold, Inc., leaving no record of the results. And any persons who are intimate with others of the same sex shall be neutered and abortions shall be added to the criteria for capital punishment."

Well, that's the whole document. I don't know about you, but it sounds okay to me......


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